This quote is one of my go-to anchors in the heat-of-the-moment.
Lately, my youngest son has had some big feelings around disappointment and frustration... not immediately getting what he wants has been a big trigger and often results in immediate meltdowns, name-calling, kicking, hair-pulling, and hitting.
These outbursts tend to happen at the most inconvenient times--in the evening when we are ALL exhausted, trying to cook dinner, etc.
When I'm overwhelmed or overstimulated, my default is to shut-down and detach by walking away. This coping mechanism doesn't usually serve me or my kids.
In fact, it causes them to escalate even more as they desperately try to seek the connection they need in the midst of their intense and confusing emotions.
Last night, my son went into full meltdown-mode. I noticed the familiar warning signs in my body--jaw clenching, the tingling sensation in my neck and shoulders, chest tightening, etc.
This helped me to pause long enough and choose to lean into the discomfort instead of avoiding it. It took several minutes of holding a cardboard box between us for him to hit, kick, and stomp on, instead of hitting me.
It also took conscious effort to practice my in-the-moment strategies:
paced breathing
progressive muscle relaxation
reminding myself that building emotional resilience "takes as long as it takes"
positive reframe -- that we get to practice these skills, in real-time, together
Several minutes later, the hitting subsided, and we sat together quietly on the floor next to each other. Eventually he climbed in my lap and hugged me.
Later that night, we worked on how to repair or "make it right" when we hit or hurt others and how to ask for what we needed.
Ultimately, the message reinforced was that ALL feelings are meant to be felt, that he is accepted no matter what, that he/we could work through these challenging moments, AND that we could find alternate solutions for next time he experienced those big feelings.
I share this with you to show you that you're not alone. Being an occupational therapist and parent coach doesn't exclude me from the same parenting challenges you experience. However, it does keep me accountable in walking the walk, and not just talking the talk.
The beauty of our journey is that experiences like these are much fewer these days, and also much more meaningful in the teaching and connecting opportunities they provide.
Oftentimes, parents already have great skills. However, knowing and not doing are the same as not knowing. If this is you, there's not judgment here. Just curious.. what holds you back? What causes you to spin your wheels?
Perhaps a lack of clarity on direction or how to implement these skills consistently? Or maybe it is a mindset issue or lack of confidence?
Change begins with us, which is why having both the right mindset and skill set is critical.
Parenting a child with complex needs can be emotionally draining without the right support. My passion is to help parents and families gain and implement tools to support themselves, to create change in a long-lasting way.
What started as desperation to support my son and our family has become my labor of love. Together, I hope to bring a holistic approach in supporting families like yours. If you'd like to see if we would be a good fit to work together, book a call here or reply to this email and I will reach out soon!
Warmly,
~Caroline
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