"He Should Know Better!"

I know I should go to bed by 10:30 to get 6-7 hours of sleep.

I know I should drive within the speed limit, but I usually push ~10 MPH past the speed limit to get to work on time.

I also know I should eat more fruits and veggies, exercise, and stop mindlessly scrolling at the end of the day.

Yet, I don't always do these things. Most of the time, I "know better" and have "done this before." Fatigue, decreased self-regulation, or overwhelm often widens the gap between knowing and doing.

Which is why I cringe when I hear this said about a child, "He knows better, he's done this before."

This mindset assumes adult-level skills that even we adults do not employ 100% of the time. It assumes "just-right" conditions without fail--adequate sleep, nutrition, and lack of environmental stressors.

It perceives the child's behavior as laziness, manipulation, disrespectful, or attention-seeking. It leads to tension and an adversarial relationship between the child and adult. And just as damaging, it leads to poor self-esteem for the child.

Dr. Ross Greene's quote, "kids do well when they can," is a great reminder that underneath every behavior is a reason.

Skill deficits with flexibility, self-regulation, frustration tolerance, or problem-solving skills undermine the child's ability to meet expectations. Sensory sensitivities and overstimulation can result in disruptive behaviors or meltdowns.

When we shift our language away from judgment and toward compassion and curiosity, we are better able to meet our children where they are and support their needs in the moment.

Here are 3 ways you can help your child:

1. Ask yourself, "what is happening right now and why?" Is the task too overwhelming? Is the expectation realistic? What skills are required for this task? Is more step-by-step scaffolding required? Is the environment too busy or loud for my child to focus?
   

2. Modify the environment or task. Limit "busy" walls and cluttered spaces to increase your child's ability to focus. Use body doubling during chores or homework time. Break up long, boring, and repetitive tasks. Use backward chaining and have your child complete the last 1 or 2 steps of the task for a quick sense of accomplishment and motivation booster (move up the "chain" as your child masters those steps). Incorporate movement to support focus and regulation--a mini dance party during a chore, sitting on an exercise ball while studying, using fidgets during homework time.

3. Teach skills explicitly. Incorporate multiple sensory systems to teach skills. Use visuals such as social stories to teach the "what, why, and how" of effective behaviors. Use pictures to show steps to complete a chore (laundry, preparing a simple lunch, cleaning a bathroom). Use music or make up songs to teach math concepts, addresses and phone numbers, or shoelace tying.

Shifting your language and mindset regarding your child can feel like learning a new language. If you need support or if you have any questions, please reach out at caroline@carolinefitsimonescoaching.com or you may use this link to set up a time for us to speak: https://www.carolinefitsimonescoaching.com/book-online

Take care,

Caroline